Being a mother brings up all kinds of things. Everything from elation, bliss, pride, to shame, and feelings of not being good enough. Some parts of mothering are easy (loving them!), some hard (like when they're presenting with something I myself haven't fully navigated through).
Yesterday, candlemaking with my daughter, I was impatiently trying to rush through it, being swamped with work. Fumbling, she said 'sorry', and a rush of shame ran through me, cheeks flushing, pained heart. For what was I creating in her to make her feel responsible for my stress? Immediately gathering her in my arms, apologising, explaining it wasn't her, but me, and I actually wanted to be here with her. So, I became lovingly present.
Last week, while witnessing my son grapple with imperfection, I felt the shame of knowing that while I've grown in this area, it was obviously not soon enough for him to have not developed this flaw himself.
I think of all the dismissed opportunities, brushed aside in the daily grind of balancing so many things, with only so much time. My FOMO isn't associated with social, entertainment or information opportunities, but of missing out building both family and legacy. It felt easier when I had one role - "stay-at-home-mum"; but years later, I'm also juggling work, contribution and legacy - Greater purpose in addition to my mothering experience. Conflicting feelings surface. Like guilt, when "daddy's taking you to soccer" (again), when I'm using that time to finish a project.
Inevitably, what comes up is the struggle of balancing how I spend my time and energy. I highly value both areas, so when both simultaneously pull me, my values guide me to do the best I imperfectly can each day, accepting the gap - Ahead of where I started, and not yet where I'd like to be, but on the journey. As for mothering, the feelings of shame of inadequacy can be wonderful messages; emotions showing me my values matches and breaches.
Ultimately, I realise both passions serve the same higher purpose, and support each other. In being mum, I build love, connection, guidance. I try to help them understand themselves and the world better, and to be their true selves. In building business, community and legacy, I'm being a model of example to my kids, who witness dedication, commitment, me putting myself out there, speaking my truth, daring to dream visions into reality, and helping empower others to their authentic being.
I'm with my kids by the fire; they're watching a movie, I'm writing this. It's not the same as quality one-on-one time, but it's better than being tucked away alone in my study. For what I have to accomplish today, it's the best I can do. And on the other days, when I should be making more headway with my work, but I'm laying in the sun on the trampoline with my kids, that's the best I can do too. But day by day, each area grows, slowly building upon my love, purpose, and ultimate legacy.